One week from now, we’ll be getting on a plane to head to California for another embryo transfer.
As we prepare for our travels, I’ve been pondering how much has changed in the eight years since we started down this road. I know I’ve changed a lot, and I wonder if I would notice the changes if I hadn’t had such a clear marker as “before this point I thought this way, now I think this way.” And as I ponder better when I write, I thought I’d share. Care to read my diary?
THE BAD
I grew up very much in the “pro-life” movement. I saw it as part of my Christian belief. I believed all the talk, read the books, and said the same lines as everyone else. I “knew” that conservatives might have problems, but at least they were pro-life, and saving the lives of babies trumped everything else. How can you compare any other policy position or sermon or ministry to saving little innocent lives?
I had the little baby figurine that showed how developed they were when they were just a few weeks old, I did the marches, and I think I even handed out the pamphlets from time to time, talking about abortion as the modern holocaust and the like.
I believed that a life began at conception. I thought all of us in the pro-life movement did. I know we talked like it. We said that a fetus was no different than a 2 month old, and we would never kill a 2-month old, right? They were the same. And I believed it.
But then, my wife and I learned about embryo adoption.
[quick sumup: when a couple does in vitro fertilization, they often make 8, 12, 16, or more embryos. Some are transferred, and some are frozen and placed in storage. For any number of reasons, they may be unable to transfer all of their embryos, and you may end up with some of the embryos still sitting frozen in storage. So then what? In some cases, the parents may decide to allow another couple to adopt their embryos. Then the new couple (us, in this case) has the embryos transferred and hopefully results in a live birth.]
To be honest, when we first heard about it, it was weird, as it might be to you now. Have my wife give birth to another couple’s embryo? Kinda bizarre. But then I thought, if I believe life begins at conception, is it really any different than adopting a newborn? Not in principle, I figured. So, off we went. We adopted 8 embryos, and started preparing for our first transfer (generally, it’s 2 embryos at a time).
And here’s where things took a turn.
I could not (and still can’t) believe the pushback we got from those in the pro-life movement. Multiple times I had people tell me they weren’t “real” babies, or that we should adopt children that were “already alive.” People said we should adopt out of the foster system, or that we should just have our own. I had people with raised voices telling me how wrong it was, people in the Pro-life movement who swore they believed life began at conception.
And so I was forced to recognize that many in my pro-life circles didn’t really have the same views as me. Since that time, I’ve heard many say they’re ok with day-after pills or other early terminations, as “at least they don’t have a heartbeat or brain,” or something similar. It’s not my point here to argue abortion, but I have learned that “pro-life” means a lot of different things, and sometimes you don’t really know what people actually think until they’re pushed into a situation that reveals it.
It’s been a tough adjustment, and of course it’s not my place to tell people what to believe. But the realization has been a rocky experience for me. More importantly, it has made me think more about my positions, not just on pro-life issues, but on everything. Do I really believe what I’m saying? If I was pushed on one of these other issues, how far does my belief really go?
THE UGLY
We also had a complicating factor in our adoption, that I hesitate to mention but I think it’s important for how much it’s changed me. The embryos we adopted were African, so we had 8 “African-American” embryos to transfer. I have inter-racial adoption in my family tree, and so I didn’t think much of it. I probably had a little of the “white savior” complex going on, as I grew up in the 1980s when all the “good” missionaries went to help people in Africa (or Russia). Motivations are complex.
Anyway, I don’t want to assume the worst of people, but I was surprised at the number of comments regarding race when people found out. I heard some very strong implications that having black children was “going to be difficult,” which the speaker was always quick to clarify didn’t mean THEY were racist, only that they knew some people were. We even had people ask “what will you do if they want to marry a black person,” which I thought was weird because why would we would care? I mean, we are adopting black children…so….
As time has gone on, I don’t know if it’s because I have black children now (we’ve had two successful transfers), or because the last five years have just been nuts, but I am consistently shocked at the racial animosity and under currents I hear and see now. Comments about how “they” just don’t have the same work ethic as whites, how “they” should be grateful to even be here instead of in 3rd world Africa, or comments about “our” history that somehow excludes “them.”
It’s just amazing to me, and amazingly disheartening. I thought we were past that. I thought that was something that, sure, maybe my grandparents dealt with, but not now.
But, once again, I was wrong. Apparently, what I thought was happening in the group around me was not what was actually happening. As with the pro-life issue, sometimes you don’t really know what people think and feel until they are pushed into a new situation.
But it also made me think about my own under currents. What assumptions do I make, not just about race, but about people for any number of reasons. I may say I don’t have biases or prejudices, but these people who made these comments to us would say the same thing. Do I tend to favor the wealthy? Do I judge people based on their clothes? Do I assume people who speak a certain way are more intelligent? I’ve had to look harder at myself than ever before.
THE GOOD
Lest you think all of our experience is bad, let me finish with something positive.
Obviously, adoption of any sort is not cheap. You can’t “buy” or sell embryos directly, due to US laws (because you can’t, you know, buy and sell people). However, there are legal fees and clinic fees and organization fees and storage fees and so forth. All told, we figured it has cost us about ten thousand dollars per transfer. We have had 4 transfers thus far, and have one to go. So, roughly, about fifty thousand dollars.
But here’s the amazing part. We’ve only paid about half of that. All along the way, people have stepped up and helped, and because of their generosity, we have two beautiful children at home, and hopefully one or two more on the way.
Once upon a time, we were missionaries overseas. When I started doing missions, I had a veteran missionary tell me “You’ll be amazed at the people that won’t help financially, and you’ll be astounded by the people who do.” And he was 100% right. In missions and in adoption, we have been consistently shocked and amazed at who steps up and donates so generously. (and to be clear, some of the people we expected DID help as well. I’m more focused on the ones that you don’t expect that suddenly show up).
We have tried to share our journey with people on facebook/social media, and I am just blown away by the times people I only know peripherally will say “God spoke to me, and I wanted to send a couple hundred dollars to help.” With each adoption, we’ve had at least one person step up with more than a thousand dollars donated. It’s simply overwhelming.
And so I’ve changed. I think (at least I think I think) that I trust God much more now. I’ve seen him come through on these bills time and time again. People are so generous and caring, it’s really a wake-up call for my own tendency towards cynicism. I believe deep down that God will provide all our needs, in His time.
But I’ve also changed how I look at giving. When we started, I had the same approach a lot of us have. That the person giving is “doing a favor” for the person receiving. Yes, it’s a gift and generous, but there’s definitely a sense of “I’m doing this for you. You have a need, and I will fill it.”
But I no longer see it that way. I take Jesus’ words much more seriously: It is more blessed to give than to receive. I now see it as much more even. Yes, I/we are blessed beyond words when people help. But they too are blessed. We are sides of the same coin, joined in a process bigger than either of us. If God is in something, we are given the opportunity to be a part of it. We aren’t doing God a favor by giving, we are getting the chance to be part of the divine action. I can’t think of anything more exciting than that.
So yes, people give to us. And I get the privilege of giving to others at times. We are currently sponsoring a child through a compassion charity, and send money regularly to friends in Africa, and to various ministries. And I’m blessed because of it. I get to be a partner in the work they are doing. I get to be a small part of whatever blessing God is showering on them, and my view of God’s work in the world is wider and richer.
And our fundraising for our adoptions has changed. I more see it now as we – you and our family – are doing this together. We are raising the child, and we give others a chance to be part of that life. Sometimes people will ask me “don’t you get tired of begging for money?” The answer is “no, not at all. Not anymore.” I’m giving people a chance to be part of something that I believe God is doing. What kind of jerk would I be if I didn’t offer others a chance to get in on that? (and yes, I’ll give you a couple links below, don’t worry.)
THE CONCLUSION
In a week we begin our last (probably?) transfer. I have no idea what will happen with these two embryos. Will we have twins? Will only one make it, as has happened with our other transfers? Will we not bring any home? I really don’t know.
But I know God has it all under control. We have a couple thousand left to raise in the next week. Am I nervous? Absolutely. My faith isn’t THAT strong yet. But every time, sometimes at the last minute, God has come through. Someone has donated or helped with expenses or something. I believe God will do it again in this next week. I’m excited to see how it all plays out.
[If you want to be a part of it, we still are looking at slightly over 4000 dollars for travel and transfer fees (the part our insurance didn’t pay). So, if you want to be part of (possibly) a new life or two, you can help at:
venmo to @musicmankev, or
paypay at musicmankev@paypal.com.
If not, and I mean this in all sincerity, that’s cool. Pray for us and be part of it that way. God will provide the finances. I have no doubt. If you are not able to, someone else will. Or God will provide some other way. He always has.]
And so I’ve changed a lot in the time since we began our adoption journey. Yes, I’ve seen some parts of the Church and my relationships that have been hard to deal with. I’ve had to grow and stretch personally, and that’s always a little painful.
But my faith has grown, my belief in God’s goodness has grown, my recognition of the goodness of people has grown, and my view of giving is more Biblical. I think those tradeoffs are worth a little disappointment and stress.
I’ve changed, my family’s changed, my worldview has changed. I’m not who I was eight years ago.
I can’t help but wonder what the next eight years will change.