[I want to clarify something right away on this post – I am not defending abuse in the church, whether it be sexual, spiritual, physical and so forth. This post was originally a response in a group that was talking about how they were on staff at a church and were very hurt, and now they’re wondering if they can ever go back to an “institutional” church. This is my response to that. ]
First off, I want you to know that I hear your hurt. There’s nothing quite as painful as being beat down and betrayed by people you loved, and you “thought” loved you. It’s wrecks our self-image, and I find makes us pretty hesitant to trust again.
And I want to say I think there’s nothing wrong with re-evaluating. Saying “what the crap was that?” is not the same abandoning faith or losing one’s salvation. It’s a pretty understandable reaction to church life, and if someone hasn’t experienced it yet, I would wager it’s just a matter of time until they do.
That said, I want to respond to a couple of things that I see repeated in the comments and in my own experience.
INSTITUTIONAL CHURCH
The idea that the “institutional church” is something that Jesus never imagined or wanted.
Just to clarify, “institutional church” here refers to the idea that churches “should” meet in church buildings, have professional pastors, meet on Sunday mornings, and so forth. Basically what people think of as “going to church” in typical American contexts.
I think this push back on the institutional church needs to be considered a little more. Don’t get me wrong. My background is History, and I absolutely agree that there were problems in the medieval church, problems in the modern church, and problems in the post-modern church (and whatever we are now). I understand why people want to “get back to the New Testament” way of doing church, but I think it might be a little misguided, or at least over-emphasized.
I would caution about jettisoning the entire institutional model. There are reasons why that model keeps appearing in our history. For example, a lot of people like house churches because of the intimacy and so forth. Yet, almost inevitably over time, these house churches grow and become institutions. Why is that? Is it just because of our fallen nature? Is it just sin, that we have to correct for everyone once in a while? Sometimes I wonder if we don’t like institutions, but we are institutional creatures. And maybe that’s part of being in relationship with each other.
I tend to think one of the central issues is not the institution, but the size of the institution. I wrote a book called Chaos Ministry, and I argued in there that churches should be around 100-200 people. Big enough to serve each other, but small enough to know each other. I think a lot of the bloat and cold heartedness and so forth that comes from big institutions might be resolved if we avoided the large size.
I also think we need to consider that God set up many institutions in the Old Testament, and it seems like it was implied in the New, at least the beginnings of them. I don’t see Paul arguing that synagogues shouldn’t exist, only that they should come to a full understanding of Christ. I think that’s worth pondering.
“HOW THE SAUSAGE GETS MADE”
This is the one that really touches my heart. I’ve been around church splits, and this is the sentiment that I see a lot. Let me relate it to a marriage/dating relationship to illustrate what I’m getting at.
When we first meet someone we date, we are overwhelmed with their awesomeness. Often we can’t believe how lucky/blessed we are to know this person, and have them choose us. Our hearts flutter when we’re around, and we can’t wait to be with them again.
And then we have our first fight.
We may not end it there (though sometimes), but it becomes a different relationship, and I think we’d all agree a more realistic one. After the initial infatuation ends, then we see the person with problems, and we stay with them anyway, thinking “ok, i see the bad, but no biggie. I can be mature and grow.”
But then we have a second fight. And a third. And they start a habit of correcting us, or ignoring our hurt, or getting busy with other people. We feel abandoned, or alone. And that “one thing wrong” can turn into “I don’t know how much more I can take.”
But we (hopefully) keep going. We learn the other’s weak spots, and our own. We find ways to help each other, and also give each other space. We find love by choice, not because they’re so great. Love becomes something we give to them, not something that happens to me. It becomes steady and sure, but tinged with sorrow and pain. And we grow old together.
I see the same thing is churches, though sometimes it plays out over a little longer (studies say infatuation with a person lasts about 6 months, I’d argue with a church it might be more like a couple years).
We join a church (especially if we are young (in our 20s) or just get saved), and it’s great. We like the sermons, we like the worship, and we become attenders, and maybe even members.
Then we get involved, and for a while it’s great. We’re playing on the worship team, or teaching, or working with the youth, and it’s fulfilling, and we “know” God has a calling on our lives. We may even go to bible college.
And then we go to board meetings. Or parents try to get us fired. Or someone misunderstands what we’re saying or doing. Or the pastor is actually a racist and lets some unbelievable things fly. Or the board meetings focus on paying for the church instead of serving the church. Or we find out someone in the church has SERIOUS issues, and every one else takes their side. And so on and so on.
STORY TIME
Couple quick stories:
I was on a board once, and legitimately had another board member say we needed to “dissuade” poorer people from coming, so we could get more white collar workers and help the church finances. I nearly spit out my soda.
Story 2: I used to be a worship leader, with a *gasp* electric guitar. I had an older lady in the church one time grab me by shirt collar after the worship in the hallway, pull me down to her 5’1 height, and hiss at me “YOU’RE the reason people are leaving this church.” Pretty encouraging for a young chap.
So what do we do when we start seeing the dark underside? I have a friend who says he could never go back to a church after seeing all the crap that goes on behind the scenes.
KEEP MOVING FORWARD
Here’s my point:
I understand, but I think that’s exactly WHY we should go back.
Did Jesus not know all the crap people do? I mean, his first group was pretty shaky, if we recall. And yet he chose to use them anyway. He didn’t just say “forget it, chumps, I’ll reach the world myself.” Or just hang out with the disciple who was at the cross. No, he got back into the dirty mix again, with the very people who left him.
I think we should look at churches the same way as that marriage relationship. Yes, it can suck sometimes. Yes, the people there are often huge jerks. Yes, we will get hurt. Over and over and over again. Sometimes more than we think we can bear.
And yet there’s beauty there. We persevere. We go back, and work with that board again. We go back, and listen to that pastor preach, even when we know what kind of person he “really” is. We serve that family, even though they stabbed us in the back. Just like Jesus did for Peter, and does for us.
We see the people who have been in that church for 30 years, and still bring a meal to the shut-in everyone forgets about. We see that single mother that’s struggling, and yet still manages to pick up neighbor kids to bring to sunday school. We see that alcoholic who is trying again, after relapsing for the 27th time. We see the old farmer who is faithfully supporting that missionary we’ve never heard of.
We end up seeing Jesus in the same people who hurt us. It’s complicated. It hurts. And it takes the Holy Spirit in us to help us move forward. To serve them again, after they’ve taken everything from us. Because every once in a while, Jesus reminds us: He’s there too.
I encourage people, if you’ve been hurt, keep going. Give more. Love more. Serve more. Isn’t that what Jesus did? Didn’t he willingly jump into the muck and mire with us? Did he not know what scumbags people are? Did he not know his own disciples might be some of the people that hurt him most? I think he did, and yet he chose me/us anyway.
We find the gems in the dirt. 90% of the time, the people in the church will end up disappointing or hurting us deeply. Yet when we find that 10%, those people that fall in love with Jesus and serve together with us, that’s what makes it worthwhile. That’s what makes it church.
Does it have to be an institutional church? Probably not. You can do that in a smaller setting. But I would argue the majority of people in the worldwide church today are in some sort of institutional setting, and for sure in America. That’s our mission field. That’s our ministry. To work with that garbage, and find the pearls. And understand that maybe we need some refining as well.
I know this may sound like pushing back on your experience, and that is not my intention. My goal is to encourage people to continue pressing forward, go past the pain and hurt, continue loving, continue striving to be Christlike. I’ve been in c hurchesthat split, church plants, lived overseas in missions, and so forth and so on.
And I”ve seen this pattern over and over. We will face pain and hurt, from people we invested our lives into. It will hurt like almost nothing else. But if we persevere, if we keep pursuing Jesus first, if we are committed to being his disciples, we will push through that pain, and find glory and peace and love on the other side.
Even if it doesn’t look like what we expected when we started.